I was so drunk
the night she called
I thought the phone ringing
was a song in my brain -
I hummed along
and laughed that empty laugh
that is found at the bottom
of well drunk bottles.
Later, she came to the door
and knocked, knocked, knocked
while I stared
at the crack spreading
up the wall,
reminding me of her varicose veins.
I tapped my foot in time.
I will most certainly die
on this side of the door one night,
and all the ringing and knocking
won’t bring me back to life.
I wish I could have given her more.
More of my time, myself, my love.
But a man cannot give what he
doesn’t possess, unless you count
the empty promises. Of these, I have
given beyond measure.
I wish I could have loved her more.
More deeply, more sweetly, more completely.
But I hated myself too much to
truly love another. I cared, but that’s
hardly the same. And the love I received
simply gave me permission to misbehave.
Until it was gone.
Above all, I wish I had more wishes.
Each word, a thousand times spoken
Each promise, another vow broken
like snowflakes melting as they hit the ground
your words fall coldly without a sound
Each kiss, from cold lips pressed
Each touch, just an icy caress
You hold me so tightly I can no longer breath
Your embrace insincere – I no longer believe
Each gesture, an empty illusion
Each thought, just a delusion
The love I once felt has turned to regret
And the best I can do is hope to forget
Each day, a waste of my giving
Each night, exhausted from living
With someone who hasn’t the vision to see me
I’ve opened my eyes, I just wish to be free
Yesterday was full of temptation
And I too weak to resist
This morning I’m starved for salvation
But contrition just doesn’t exist
I’m lost in a sweet reverie
Of perfume and a burgundy kiss
And the lure of a cheap memory
From a night entangled in bliss
We shared everything but our names
And the promise to meet come tomorrow
I’m undone and no longer the same
Except for shame and the sorrow
In the cool light of day I reflect
Was it all but a passionate dream?
Shall I remember or shall I regret?
Was it loving or was it just mean?
I’m left where I started…alone
And I guess that will always be true
Emptiness can’t fill a man’s home
Except with the absence of you.
Smoke and fire, my heart’s desire
Stoke the flames a little higher
Dancing in the flickering flame
I find my mind’s gone quite insane
Burning with a fevered pitch
All my thoughts are loosely stitched
Visions scatter like floating embers
Charcoal moments I remember
A life consumed by selfish lust
Now reduced to smoldering dust
No regret to stave the heat
My soul’s destruction now complete
My faith now set to flaming torch
Beliefs once held are darkly scorched
Yes, fan the flames, incense the fire
Let this be my funeral pyre
Full of failure, drinks of Gaul
Life has been a tortured haul
Let my bones cremate most slowly
Scatter my flesh, let strong winds blow me
To another time, another life
Full of promise, less in strife
May I rise one day again
More in grace, less in sin.
I have no thought of future love –
That’s a bridge I’m not ready to cross…
I need time yet to heal
From the pain that I feel
For the love I once had…and lost.
It’s not that I don’t feel the need –
In truth, no need is greater;
But unless I survive
What I’m feeling inside
I’ll have no need for later.
Be patient with me, please understand –
I’m not a man who’s made of stone…
I’ll deal with tomorrow
When I’ve dealt with the sorrow
Of living today all alone.
I’m not giving up on the future –
I just have no time for the thought
Of loving again
While I’m still lost within
All the love I once had…and lost.
