Til Death Do We Part…Or Until Today


September 25, 2004 - Our Wedding in Mendocino

September 25, 2004 – Our Wedding in Mendocino

Well, we didn’t quit make it to death.

It certainly feels like death.  Same darkness. Same eternal silence. Same gathering of mourners offering condolences on our loss. Same tears both from self-pity and genuine sorrow. The only thing missing is a stirring eulogy, although I imagine that’s what I am writing now.

The photos above mark the happiest day of my life.  These words spilled out now before you mark the saddest.

I remember our wedding day as though it happened this afternoon. We were married at the Heritage House on the cliffs of Mendocino overlooking the Pacific Ocean. The day started out foggy and overcast, cold and wet.  Kerri and I were certain it was going to be that way all day and made our mental adjustments to allow for a less than perfect wedding day, but fifteen minutes before the ceremony began, by the  time everyone had gathered and the music filled the afternoon air, the sun burst through a bank of clouds and the fog burned off, leaving a rainbow arching against the horizon.  A flock of pelicans flew over the dais where I stood anxiously awaiting my beautiful bride.

My best man whispered, “pelicans are a symbol of eternal love.”  I smiled.

Well, here I stand, 9 years later, and the fog has rolled back in.  The sun is nowhere to be found, and I am almost certain those pelicans are dead by now, as is my marriage.

I don’t ever want to go through such joy, followed by such loss, again. I don’t keep these pictures as a way to torture and punish myself for all the beauty and wonder that is leaving my life.  I keep them as a reminder that at least once in this wretched journey called life, I knew unfathomable  love and joy.  When people see this broken shell of a man in future days, they will be hard pressed to believe that once I knew happiness and beauty in my life. These photos are all I will have to prove that we once existed.

I have had my fill and am quite content to end my days in the certain knowledge that I was once loved by the best.  She can have the house, the dog, the friends…. I have have custody of the memories…and that will have to suffice.

Now where is death, and why has it not done its part?

I am waiting.

A Prayer for Her


6

Last night, as I lay quietly weeping next to my sleeping wife, I prayed with all my heart.

In four short days, we will be separating for good, a prelude to the divorce she requested just before Christmas.  Looking at her through my tears, I could tell she was exhausted.  The past few weeks have taken such a toll on her.  We still love one another and have both been trying so desperately to make our inevitable parting a process of love and respect and peace.  But that does nothing to stop the inevitable pain of letting go.  As she has for our entire relationship, her primary concern has been for me.  Doing whatever she can to make this in any way less traumatic, easier to endure.

She has always been selfless, up until she finally gathered all the vestiges of her courage to finally set herself free.  I desperately want her to be happy and fulfilled, even if that means letting her go.  But I prayed, nonetheless.  I prayed like a condemned man facing the final seconds of life knowing that in a few short moments the executioner will do what he must do, and it will all be over.  I prayed like Jesus, in the garden of Gethsemane, asking his Father to spare him from “drinking this cup.”   I prayed for everything cowards pray for when the consequences of their actions stare them squarely in the face and demand accountability.  I prayed for a way out.

And then I realized…this is exactly why I’ve lost her.  In that tender moment of the night, watching her toss and turn in a fitful sleep, I had failed her once more.  I failed to pray for what’s best for her.  I failed to pray for her happiness and security.  I failed to pray for her future.  I failed to match her selfless act for selfless act.  I failed, once more, to love her with all of my heart.  Too consumed with my  loss and pain, I failed to consider hers.

This is undoubtedly why I should not be allowed to pray. Or to love. My prayers fall on silent ears because they are offered in false pretense.  I haven’t evolved enough as a person, let alone a man, to put the needs of those I love most ahead of my own.  I have no faith anyway, so why I continue to dabble in the mysteries of prayer, I don’t know.  But with or without faith, I am going to give it one more try.

This time, my prayers are for her.  For her happiness. To ease her suffering and pain.  For the joy she so richly deserves.  To be surrounded by people who are stronger and more present than I ever was.  And more truly loving.  For the strength to grow from this, to risk again, to find her true meaning.

To let me go without second-guessing.

Perhaps, if just this once, I pray for her needs before my own, then tonight she will sleep more comfortably.  And I can cherish the few remaining days I have with her…for her sake.

These Final Hours


0e0e29ea-c290-4e2b-a9cb-74a1ae15fd7d

The doomsday clock to our marriage is ticking.

I can hear it echoing nightly.heart.  The sands are virtually pouring through the hourglass in these are last days together.  After 9 years of marriage, there are literally hours left before we go our separate ways, and with each passing second, another piece of me withers beneath the weight of this nightmare.

Each breath I take seems labored and futile.  As I write this, I am glancing up from the keyboard every few moments watching her fix her lunch, a cup of tea…going about a normal routine as though divorce was just another item to be marked off of her daily checklist of things to get done.  “Do you want a cup of coffee, sweetheart?” she asks.  Are you kidding me?  What I want is my wife…my life…my sanity returned to us.  I can’t eat or drink or think.  I can barely function.  Can’t she see me dissembling right before her eyes.

She’s keeping our dog. My heart.  I get custody of the memories.

Goodbye Beneath the Redwoods


If you searched the term “divorce” and ended up here reading my post, chances are you are searching, as am I, for some meaning in this painful process that will lend some comfort, some understanding. I am no expert in this subject. In fact, I am myself just now entering into the unknown turbulent emotional waters of facing the loss of my marriage; the rejection of what I had falsely and carelessly assumed to be an everlasting love. But of this I am certain – there is no comfort to be found.

When my wife finally uttered those fateful words, “I want a divorce”, I was strangely numb and accepting. At first. I understood  the intensity of the frustration, pain, and sorrow she must be feeling to come to the conclusion that she needed to save herself. It took guts and strength, or so I told myself. Hell, I wouldn’t want to be married to me either! I had failed on so many levels and, obviously, made the fatal assumption that I would have time to turn it around. This, despite her repeated warnings over the years that she was not “a bottomless well.” I’ve spent the past week reflecting on how many missed opportunities I had to save our marriage, and only succeeded in uncovering a bitter truth.

I really fucked up.

But why, then, am I so angry? I’ve done a great job of pushing that particular emotion deep down. I kept telling myself that this was my fault. My failing. The pain and the fear that arises when another human being ultimately rejects you … my consequence for my actions (or lack thereof.) But at 3:06 a.m., I awoke suddenly to a new realization. What could be more abusive or more of a betrayal to a marriage than seeking it’s dissolution? To quit. She kept telling me that I destroyed it…but here she is, walking out center stage dressed as an executioner, ax in hand. Giving up. She, not I, is destroying the marriage.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not blaming her. I am just pointing out the obvious. And it brings no comfort. And before I get blasted for feeling sorry for myself…that isn’t it. I know I could have saved this marriage. I know I could have dug deeper and spared her from ever having to make this call. This was all my failing, and I will have to live with it.

If this had been a short relationship that didn’t work out, perhaps I’d feel differently. But it’s been eighteen years. Eighteen years of dreaming together, building together, and yes, overcoming the setbacks, hurts, and disappointments together. Love is not the convenience of celebrating triumphs and victories alone. It is the steel that is forged in the furnace of overcome hardships, shared pain, and forgiveness. Did I dip at her well once too often? Undoubtedly. But this would have been so much easier if she had simply said from the beginning, “For better or for worse? I’m not down for that.”

I don’t know what I am hoping to find in putting these thoughts to words and sharing them online. I know it won’t bring comfort or understanding. And I am not going to magically rationalize my way out of this divorce. It’s going to happen. But in order to demonstrate the love I still have for her, I need to be supportive of her right to destroy this marriage if that is what she needs to do to live more fully in the future. I have to be the “man” she thought I was so many years ago…and find the strength to let her go.

I refuse to make this any harder than it has to be. Perhaps I am finally learning to give her the love she needed all along…through simply letting go.
Last night, we sat beneath the redwoods before a roaring fire, trying to comfort one another. We failed completely. We are still friends, and hope on some level that the memory of our better selves outshines the memories of our failings. I wrote her this poem…although I will never share it with her. I refuse to cause her any more pain than she (and I) are going through having come to this final crossroad. But I had to write it. I hope someone understands. I sure don’t.

GOODBYE BENEATH THE REDWOODS

The redwoods swayed in a post-romantic way.
their crowns in the planets, toes tucked below soft earth
under carpets of wet needles beneath our feet
- that’s how we said our soft goodbyes.

Our love smoked in the fireplace and I could see
the flames flickering in your dampened eyes, but I looked
away, too much the coward to own your pain.
You said it was the smoke, one final lie to comfort me.

We spoke in the soft, cordial tones of defeat as the
air hung heavy and silent between us.
Neither of us could hear the babbling brook stretched
beneath the fading stars as the waters carried the
last vestiges of hope downstream.

I will save my tears, the wrenching of my heart
for the long, dark nights ahead. Tonight, my love,
my forever lost love, let us wrest some warmth
from the dying embers of this fire; gather one last
bouquet of memories to set us on our separate ways.Image

A Failed Marriage


Image

I left bruises on her heart,
not memories, but empty spaces.
There is no fossilized evidence
love ever existed.
Her contempt folds in stages
like a Japanese silk fan,
while the flowers of our youth
drop their tired and wilted petals.
For better or for worse was a lie
easily uttered when I held more promise,
but as the years, and my failings, took their toll
it was easy to toss me aside like bitter fruit.

 

The Absence of You


crucified beneath her touch

I want you every second,
every minute, every hour of the day

I am flooded by an agony…
a physical longing for you…
brought to my knees by a craving
for your nearness and your touch.

Through tear-clenched eyelids,
I try hard to imagine your lips on mine.
If I could only hear your laughter,
the sound of your voice once more!

Nothing and no one, anywhere or anytime
could kill the love I have and hold  for you.
I have surrendered my individuality,
the very essence of my being to you.

I have surrendered to you my body
time after time to treat as you pleased,
to tear in pieces if such had been your will.

My spirit never seems as joyful
as when I remember the kisses you gave me.
All the hoardings of my imagination
I have laid bare to you…
There isn’t a recess of my soul
into which you haven’t penetrated.

I have clung to you and caressed you and slept with you
and I would like to tell the whole world I exist for you.

What strength have I that I may bear it,
that I may endure the absence of you?
Is my strength the strength of stones
that can wait for your return?

You are my mistress and I am your lover.
Kingdoms and empires and governments have tottered
succumbed before now to that mighty combination:

“I love you” –
the most powerful of sentiment
and words ever uttered in this world.

 

Best In Morning


Image

 

I love you best in morning…
In that quiet hour
before the sun fully rises
and the shadows of the night
linger possessively;
as I lie motionless
beside you
watching
the seductive blush
of a new dawn
filtering slowly through
the frosted windowpane,
caressing you in those last
moments of sleep
with warm fingers of light.
It is in that
special time,
that magic time of morning
as I, too, caress you
with my eyes
and with my thoughts
that I love you
best

 

The Lantern


Image

Do you see that lantern on the mantle?
Its light has shined on three generations of this family.

My grandfather learned to read under the tutelage of its glow.
He wrote love letters to my grandmother in verse reflecting
The warmth gathered from its flickering beam.

My mother found her way home through lost woods
To the waiting arms of my Dad,
And on the night I was conceived, it lent its sexuality.

Bright and slightly hesitant, still burn brightly
The night I was born, weaving moonbeams
Linking silver threads through the tapestry of our lives;
Illuminating my path through the years,

It has lit my tears and calmed my fears;
Beneath its flame we all found ways to heal
To bind up old wounds; to celebrate new beginnings,
While keeping vigil as loved ones passed away

One day I’ll pass it down to my children
Now crawling on the ground
And in its light they’ll learn to see within themselves,
Beyond themselves

I take it down and light it it’s blackened wick
Whenever I am consumed by darkness;
It watches over me and comforts me;

It reminds me that there are so many ways
To become illuminated

 

Opposite Sides of the Same Pain


Image
A Sunni mother silently watches:
overhead, a gathering of scavenging ravens
paints the dusky sky above
the broken bodies of her three children.
Bewilderment mixed with horror and beauty,
accented by the pebbles beneath her feet,
polished smooth by a flood of tears.
An acrid wind swirls
with scattered hope and broken dreams;
confetti raining on freshly scorched earth.
Another womb is rent in unbearable grief
at the loss of its precious fruit.

Image

In that very moment, across the sea,
a Haitian waif reflects:
A flock of seagulls angrily position
above the ghetto garbage heap
next to a crumbling shanty
where her newborn triplets scream with hunger.
Bewilderment mixed
with horror and beauty,
the waste beneath her feet glistens
with the flood of her tears.
The stench of rotting wind swirls
with scattered hope and broken dreams;
flies rising up from quaked earth.
Another womb is rent in unbearable grief
at the bounty of its damnable fruit.

 

Ocean Walk


Image

Silver threads woven through midnight skies -
Shooting stars as the white crane flies!
Cool autumn winds and the moon’s reflection;
Shallow tide pools inviting full inspection.

The ocean roars and rolls cascading,
White foam shorelines, slowly fading.
Footprints, mine, wet and dissolving -
Deep in thought, me, a life evolving.

Have I lived the life I was meant to live?
Did I take what was offered, did I offer to give?
Have I fought for the causes that helped to free men,
Or did I justify excuses time and again?

Did I love to my fullest, did I offer my heart?
Did I honor my word, or just play the part?
Have I sacrificed joy for immediate thrills?
Was I too vain, or humble, did I help to cure ills?

Did I live a life worthy, will others be proud,
Will I be buried alone or there with the crowd?
All these and more are the questions I pose.
These really aren’t mysteries for me to suppose!

The Sun now is rising, with fingers of light -
The end of reflection, the end of the night.
I turn with my back to the blue ocean swell;
I’ve too few answers, and that’s just as well.

Life is for living, and there is no exception -
We aren’t meant to dwell in such introspection!
The truth is unfolding, and this much is true;
I’ve plenty days left, and too much to do.

A Dark and Vile Seduction


Image

Photo by MaggieKai

I can see your soul
in the dark pit of despair, my love…
you have a demon lurking.

Sweat drops in rivulets of panic
staining your face with guilty roadmaps;
crisscrossing your haughty cheeks.

I gave you my faith – you whispered a cursed prayer,
condemning me to the eternal flames
of your vile inequities.

How could I not see the beast
raging within your tender breasts;
the sharpened fangs masquerading as nipples
glistening in the dark?

Your undulating hips covered in thorns,
your lying lips sweetened with vinegar.
Your reddening eyes, beacons of hate.

Just what is you think I’ve found?

Something deep and dark and inviting
despite the screaming in my brain –
I have no voice but to consent, not thought but to obey.

Don’t torture yourself with hungered thoughts;
devour me as your wicked appetite compels.
but please, spit out my bones for Heaven’s sake.

Do Not Be Afraid


embrace

Do not be afraid
to lose yourself in me.
My hands are strong,
yet gentle
and, if need be,
I shall carry you
within the calm shadows
of my love.

Do not be afraid
to laugh with me;
the warmth of my love for you
I gather from the
rainbows of your smile.

Do not be afraid to cry with me
when life overwhelms you;
I will gather your tears
within the well of my understanding
and pour them carefully
upon the fires of your fear.

Do not be afraid
to live with me;
I will build for you a home
with floors of tender mercy,
Walls of compassion,
ceilings of hope,
and windows of promise.

Do not be afraid
to die with me;
I will lead you through
the dark forests of your doubt
until the bright meadows
of forever rise beneath our feet
and the cool waters of eternity
swallows our souls, together.

We Write What We Know


Image

I had lived one life with my face turned from the sun,
breathing icy winds and my father’s sin.
He is gone now but his fingerprints
remain a stain upon my broken bones.
My sister traded his midnight hugs for an opium exit;
her ashes instead of his lashes.

I took my refuge in dark shadows and withered.

I told…once.
Was rewarded with a year sabbatical in a red brick asylum,
bought and paid for with my mother’s silence.
She collected her ransom daily/offered up her womb’s fruit
to feed him like grapes to Caesar’s gaping maw.
She furnished her home with lost innocence
and found comfort in our cries.

She is buried now and I am robbed of my mourning.

Unearth me when tomorrow comes.
Set my broken feet upon polished stones;
let ascending steps carry me home.
My screams no longer echo from the mountaintops

My dreams no longer tether my pain.
I am not healed, but I feel, and my words
anoint my open wounds.

Poets and Prostitutes


Image

He was a lover of street prostitutes;
not the sable-wrapped uptown girls
bathed in Chanel No.5 and punishing Daddy
by selling their tight-toned wares retail,
but rather those wholesale working-class girls
perfumed by the sweat of their labors;
standing beneath broken streetlights at 2 a.m.,
in cheap, colorful makeup and Wal-Mart lingerie,
with asses bubbling back and semi-flaccid breasts;
those colorful painted whores of the night.

In his youth, he had been scorched by the beautiful
and he would never again have the fevered yearning
of lying with flesh more pliant and comely.

Street-walkers fed his pathos and filled his inner void.
They would let him kiss them on the mouth,
and wouldn’t complain when he couldn’t get hard
because of too much beer and whiskey.

They’d always wait patiently, filing their nails,
chewing open-mouthed wads of gum -
but most of all, they would never, ever
fill the silence with meaning-less chatter.

If he couldn’t function, they didn’t condemn him,
but would play with themselves upon request
so at least the failing of the hour felt sexy.

Most of all, they didn’t lie!

They wouldn’t tell him what a great lover he was
or offer up false platitudes on his endowment;
They used their real names and would share their coke
for an extra twenty-five, and he would pour them full shots.

Sometimes, he would write beautiful sonnets for them
and they would genuinely be moved to tears.

If the sex was lousy, they took it in stride and didn’t bitch.
They didn’t conspicuously spit into folded Kleenex
or stuff their mouths with wads of spearmint gum
after he had come, just to lose the taste of him.
Rather, they swallowed because they, too, didn’t care
if they got one more filthy, fucking disease.

They were like him; defeated and empty,
just grateful not to be judged and discarded
like yesterday’s rotten fruit.

Self-Reflection


Image

I am the ripe green apple,
plucked from Eden’s garden
Contemptuously bitten,
no hope for God’s pardon.
I am Achilles heel
that hobbles my stride;
Odysseus’ curse,
my insufferable pride..
That lock of hair
claiming Sampson’s life,
And the brother of Able,
I’m Cain with a knife!
I am the snakes coiled
in Medusa’s dark mane -
Like a lance to the boil,
my mercy is strained.
I’m the brew in the cauldron
of deep-forested witches -
The ugliness that comes
from Frankenstein’s stitches.
I am alone and afraid,
but too stubborn to change;
Hopeless and lost
and most certain deranged!
I’m broken, defeated,
and reeking of sin,
The lowest of cowards,
the most evil of men.
A life, ever wasted
on cheap wine and women,
My descent into Death
is just now beginning.
This ghost will remain
as my specter of shame -
I’d rather be dead
than live more of the same ~

 

A Lingering Pain


Image

In another life, we would call this love.

Today it is just a lingering pain,
clenched fistfuls of it lashing forth upon the shore.
The oceans scream.

We want crisis, oh, how we hunger for it.

When we were young, we ate sorrow without sugar
before losing ourselves in the forest of shame.
Beyond our innocence, beneath our yearning yokes,
we lay together secretly in this seashore cavern;
frantic with love.

I was the lazy one, eating your peach without washing it;
writing a song for my supper
and with a bare mouth, kissing the very ankle
that kicks the life out of me today.
Our bodies rolled in and out like the tides
and in the forgotten distance, the thunder laughed
at our selfish lust.

Today, the beach below is sliced by dying rivers
brown-blue and reaching for the seawater;
One wet finger of water traces into the cavern
and licks our naked feet, causing me to
momentarily thrust too deep
while you, asleep, curse the very dream of me.

We met here once, as children full of hope,
our thirsts slaked in the moistness of the cave.
The ash-white hotness of passion powdering your fingertips
upon the small of my back, pulling me into your deeper meaning,
so hot then the sands turned to glass
crunching and shattering beneath our frantic embrace.

In that life, we called it love.

Today, the moon sucks the tides back to her
jealous bosom, leaving us naked and thrashing
like dying fish upon the shore.

Today, my love, is just a lingering pain.

Lights


alone_in_the_dark
You have always stood
beneath a dazzling array of bright colors
Brilliant, and brave, and blinding
Your light provided bright reflections
and lit the stage upon which you danced
careless, joyful, and exuberant

It was a separate light that bathed me
not quite so radiant
and full of shadows
It has never illuminated my way
nor has it warmed me in its beam
It was what it seemed
an insignificant blue glow, dim and misleading

In your light, you were found
In mine, everything was lost

 

Unholy Vengeance


Image

Into the rain and clapping thunder
Sends God His vengeful deadly host
To see His children torn asunder
For Father, Son, and Holy Ghost

Throughout the night, and sure the road
Iron hooves clip steady shoreward
And more the rattling of the swords
Their sharpened tips now pointing forward

In fearless form astride their steeds
into pitched battle thrown
Ride Death and Justice gallantly
Slicing meat from bone

Upon each hamlet, rape and pillage
Man offered up for Heaven’s plunder
While screams ascend from every village
And babies slain in wide eyed wonder

No mercy shown unto this throng
Nor gracious sympathy bestowed
While Justice seeks to right a wrong
Death collects what God is owed

Before their blades a thousand fall
Ten thousand more now pave the street
Into the sea are driven all
This sacrilege is now complete

And as the surf coughs up her dead
Death and Justice sheath their blades
The golden sands now blood-soaked red
Belie this savage Godly raid

Revenge exacts its costly measure
Exhausted homeward ride the two
They fight not for acclaim or treasure
But to enforce what’s “right” and “true”

Lover’s Delight


Image

With desire spent, we leave the night
Our bodies bathed in morning’s light
Our limbs entwined like climbing vines
Our kisses sweet like summer wine

Our spirits soar, our hearts set free
Beneath a verdant canopy
Of flowering trees and running streams
Of fragrant winds and lazy dreams

Such sorrow shall we one day know
When either you, or I, shall go
And leave the other to sorely miss
This warm embrace, this soulful kiss

As the sunrise drives away the night
and sunlight fades to starry light
So does this love, in ardent gladness,
Dispel the weight of parting’s sadness

But let us in this moment know
One final bout in passion’s throe
And leave the morrow to the night
This moment now is our delight

 

Nostalgia


Image

In my mind’s recess, a soft caress
of memories and days gone by
A kaleidoscope of love and hope
And answers to the “Why?”

I fall within and live again
Those magic days bygone
My thoughts set free in reverie
Warmed by a setting sun

Another time in perfect rhyme
Now formed in my revision
I’m lifted up as I fill my cup
With reflection and a vision

Within my dream, or so it seems
The best of times has past
Yet still somehow, I cherish “Now”
And tighter still my grasp

Outside my mind my thoughts unwind
And now today returned
Living in yesterday is still no way
To face the future’s turn

 

The Lantern


Image

Do you see that lantern on the mantle?
Its light has shined on three generations of this family.

My grandfather learned to read under the tutelage of its glow.
He wrote love letters to my grandmother in verse reflecting
The warmth gathered from its flickering beam.

My mother found her way home through lost woods
To the waiting arms of my Dad,
And on the night I was conceived, it lent its sexuality.

Bright and slightly hesitant, still burn brightly
The night I was born, weaving moonbeams
Linking silver threads through the tapestry of our lives;
Illuminating my path through the years,

It has lit my tears and calmed my fears;
Beneath its flame we all found ways to heal
To bind up old wounds; to celebrate new beginnings,
While keeping vigil as loved ones passed away

One day I’ll pass it down to my children
Now crawling on the ground
And in its light they’ll learn to see within themselves,
Beyond themselves

I take it down and light it it’s blackened wick
Whenever I am consumed by darkness;
It watches over me and comforts me;

It reminds me that there are so many ways
To become illuminated

 

Vanity


Image

Understanding you is not,
contrary to your incessant belief
the sole purpose of my existence
You are whatever you are,
while I, without pause, accept this
If I were to assume a constant analysis of you
and the things you do
as my pre-ordained purpose for existing
I would as soon take the sharpest of razors
and pass it with pleasure
one-eighth inch deep across my gullible throat
Your vanity exhausts me
Is there not a moment within any given day
wherein your every waking thought
is directed toward anything, or anyone, other than yourself?
If not, then tell me, do you ever grow weary
of unceasingly caressing the image of yourself,
as even lust-crazed men tire of their indiscriminate seductions
of faceless women?
Don’t you ever lie spent after
a consuming bout of self-adoration?
Here, then, is my ardent hope and prayer for you
May you love yourself only to the measure
that others may, perchance
find in the smoldering remnants of your self-delight
a crumb or two left over
upon which to nourish their love for you as well

 

Cut Gently


Image

Be gentle with your words
they cut like knives and twice as deep
if you’ve hatred to spew, just keep
searching for a way to express yourself
without completely diminishing
everyone else around you
On more than one occasion
You’ve carved me up until I had
nothing left inside to support me
Loving you isn’t hard,
It’s the most natural thing I do
but listening to you sometimes
takes such masochistic effort
That said, we all need to express
those emotions that bind us up
in those moments, cut gently
and give me some time to heal

Scary Love


Image

Day and night
Her complexion changes;
Love or fight
These are her ranges.

And here I am locked into the midst of it,
Trying my best to make out the gist of it.
I’m caught in her spell; she has such a hold on me.
It can feel like hell, but it’s just where I want to be!
When the morning comes, do I stay, or do I go?
With the rising sun, there’s so much I need to know.
As I hold her close, our two hearts will beat as one,
But don’t assume they will beat when tomorrow comes.

Night and day,
Haven’t got a clue!
Fight or love
Either way I lose.

And here she is right in the thick of it,
Trying her best not to get sick of it.
My love for her is far beyond doubt -
But should I love her from the inside or out?
She loves like an angel when all’s going well,
But burns like the devil when things go to hell!
The best I can do is to commit to the fray;
Praying to God I can survive one more day.

Day or night
When will she come to me?
Love or fight
What will her method be?

I try to predict, but she’s much too slick for me,
And if I run, she’s much too quick for me!
This love we share is hopeless and wonderful -
In a black and white world, it’s so bright and colorful.
My fate is cast, so I’ll just make the best of it -
I’ll hold her close, and just take the rest of it.
She’s a riddle, that’s true, but I’ve got her figured out;
At least I think I do, but still, I have my doubts.

Day after day
I’ll continue to work on this -
Night after night
She’ll reset with just a kiss.

 

All The Love I Once Had…And Lost


Image

I have no thought of future love
That’s a bridge I’m not ready to cross
I need time yet to heal
From the pain that I feel
For the love I once had…and lost

It’s not that I don’t feel the need
In truth, no need is greater
But unless I survive
What I’m feeling inside
I’ll have no need for later

Be patient with me, please understand
I’m not a man who’s made of stone
I’ll deal with tomorrow
When I’ve dealt with the sorrow
Of living today all alone

I’m not giving up on the future
I just have no time for the thought
Of loving again
While I’m still lost within
All the love I once had…and lost

Cowardly Run


Image

 “Contemplation” by Unknown Artist

Footsteps echo across silent floors
Lightly I stumble against bolted doors
I can no longer see for the daylight blinds
Thoughts become jumbled; confused is the mind
Beneath my eyelids, a white pain sears
Unleashing regrets, a torrent of fears
So many years wasted and so few to live
I lie down exhausted, no strength to forgive
My bed sheets are covered in sweat and regret
My slumber eludes me, a payment for debts
I toss and I turn and shiver with cold
The reckoning comes for we who grow old
I wait for an ending, too slow to come
My life has been naught but a cowardly run
My reason is slipping; my hope is diminished
The sun is now setting, my long days are finished
Chandelier stars slowly appear
Darkness descends, as time disappears
Moment by moment, and breath by breath
Slowly appears the sweet face of Death


“Just so you know, despite the darkness and despair of some of my poetry, here’s a glimpse of the more hopeful and soulful affirmation of my personality” Anyone laughs, I un-follow!

images (2)

PROMISES

You ask if love’s forever
A promise I can’t make
But if I could, or thought I should
I would not hesitate

I’d promise you forever
And then a day or two
If I were free to guarantee
Forever loving you

But promises are born of doubt
A doubt that’s seldom real
The love we know can only grow
In trusting what we feel

Yet, I’ll promise you this moment
If words can still your fears
Just hold me now and show me how
To love you through the years

 

Promises


This is dedicated to two sisters who I have recently come to know and adore. They are the embodiment of what this poem attempts to convey – that we are transformed by the love one has for another.  I’ve posted this before, but never has it spoken so loudly until I understood the transforming love these two sisters have shared in their very special bond.

Pino-AfternoonRespite-30x30

By Pino – Two Sisters in “Afternoon Respite”

LOVE”S TRANSFORMING HAND

I don’t profess to understand
The power of Love’s transforming hand
But I can’t deny what’s plain to see
Loving you is changing me

As a child walking on the shore
I saw the ocean…nothing more
I cried, “Oh God – what senseless waste
This vast expanse of liquid space.”

Yet now, with your hands guiding me
I cherish the life within the sea
I built myself a one room home
And dared to live there all alone

It wasn’t that I did not care
Just felt I had not much to share
But now, beneath Love’s soft caress
I simply have to give my best

I once viewed stars as nothing much
Cold, distant worlds beyond my touch.
I had no need for cheap sensations
Built on simple constellations

Then Love’s hand touched me through your heart
And I knew that stars were heaven’s art
No, I don’t profess to understand
The power of Love’s transforming hand

But I can’t deny what’s plain to see
Loving you is changing me

Dedicated to Brooke and Her Sister

The Skirt


Image

You laid your plaited skirt
on the foot of my bed,
neatly folded as though
in doing so you could somehow
retain your virtue.

In the midst of our fleshy thrashing,
I kicked it to the floor, and you began
to cry, deep sobs that rattled
the mattress springs.

I moved, too reluctantly, to retrieve it
but you said, “Why bother? You’ve ruined it.
You’ve ruined me. You’ve ruined everything!”

Making love doesn’t always
mean making sense,
and so I threw my feet to the floor,
pulled on my jeans, and looked back,
although I would never be able to see.

“So that’s it?” you sobbed.
“You bastard!”

I smiled In affirmation, buttoned my shirt,
and turned toward the door,
and as an afterthought, picked up
your once plaited skirt, tossed it
carelessly over my shoulder,

and left.

 


To my wife, Kerri….my eternal muse.

“Love at first sight is grossly underestimated: a single glance can take the whole person.”

Kerri Portrait

WITHOUT YOU

Without you, nothing seems possible.
Every beautiful thing this world has to offer
Revolves around you.
When I am sad, happiness is in your smile.
When I am afraid, your arms calm me.
When I can’t find my way, your eyes lead me.
Without you, I simply drift along.
There is no color in my world, until you come home.
If I am tired, your laughter lifts me and I am whole again.
If I yell at you, you sigh a little.
If I don’t’ come home, you die a little.
If I fail you, you patiently what until I find my way again.
Where are you now?
When I cannot speak, your lips consume me.
When I can no longer stand, your love exhumes me.
You are everything that makes me live.
Every dream begins when I draw near you.
Every hope demands a path clear to you.
Loneliness does not exist when you are in my life.
I am lifted up, drifting up to heaven above you.
When you whisper you love me,
Stand fragile before me,
I am transformed and need to pull you close.
I know you could walk away, but you never do.

Without You