The insidiousness of life is that it constantly presses upon you;
it is unrelenting in its demands that you nurture and refine it.
It evolves, with or without your consent, so there is no rest,
no time to simply put it on cruise control enjoy the passing of time.
For me, every breath is a nuisance; every step is a cursed journey
saddled with failed expectations and societal derision.
I never belonged to this world, nor has it offered itself to me,
and the contempt with which I hold its false promises
eats at my guts like ravens nibbling away at my meaning.
Where others are guided by the soft-bent wings of angels,
I am weighed down by the relentless nagging of demons;
wicked little imps who mock my waking hours and torment my sleep.
There is not a grave dug deep enough to bury my sorrows,
nor do I seek any forgiveness for my sorry state.
I will wash away the stench of my miserable existence
with endless cups of liquid absolution, and in my drunken state,
I will stumble through somehow.
Tomorrow’s sunrise may warmly embrace the multitudes;
each with their cheerful dispositions and infernal optimism.
I, on the other hand, will wither beneath the heat,
thirsting constantly for the darkness beneath a waning moon,
for it is in darkness that my soul finds its true voice.
3 thoughts on “The Insidiousness of Life”
methinks you capture pain…hopelessness..fear…loneliness..quite well! …however, I hope your last line is only a shadow of your inner beliefs…and that you do live and thrive in the light! the Light is so much healthier! Have you seen Dr. Masuto on YOU TUBE–about water crystals?–we are all ONE—even in the darkness, you are not alone!
I envy your ability to accentuate the positive. And I value your encouragement. Don’t think I am not grateful because I am. We just see this thing called life through different lenses. Yours reflects the light, while mine the darkness. Each, no doubt, borne of the totality of our experiences. And no, I haven’t seen Dr. Masuto on YouTube…that just isn’t something I’d buy into. But thank you.
If you want to understand a bit more about what shapes my worldview, then perhaps you would read my most recent article @ https://dlmchale.com/2013/04/11/the-case-against-fluff-pieces-on-wordpress/ And again, thank you for visiting my site.
One additional thought: For better or for worse, I am a writer. It isn’t something I wanted to be as I grew up…it is more something that had to be done to give my inner grief a voice so that the pain and suffering did not consume me. Have you ever wondered why the best of Irish writers are so dark and depressing? It is because they are compelled by lives lived in poverty and disease and general despair. Bram Stoker, James Joyce, Samuel Beckett, Frank McCourt, …all suffered from depression brought about by the unrelenting ugliness of life that counters your “light.” The french poets maudits, Baudelaire and Rimbaud, equally lived lives of quiet desperation brought on by human indifference to their agonizing lives (and admittedly, compounded in their copious abuse of drugs and alcohol). Or how about the Americans…Sylvia Plath, Edgar Allen Poe, Charles Bukowski…each caught up in what life does best…grinding their souls to dust in the absence of any lasting hope. You may think I’m just cynical and indulgent…but I tell you, for every ray of sunshine you can conjure, I can show you ten bolts of lightening that rip and destroy. I am glad you have happiness….but I was pushed through this veil of insidious despair without my consent and I’ve learned to navigate life in the absence of hope. People are always saying, “try and look on the bright side,” and to them I say look around you..there is an ocean of pain washing over the majority of the earth’s population…and you think platitudes make a difference when the crows peck the eyes from a dead child who has starved in the Sudan, or when 20 beautiful innocent children in Sandy Hook have their precious lives snuffed out or when entire populations are being systematically wiped off the face of the earth for political expediency. Yes, we live in the same world, but I see the shadows where you see the light. I don’t write this kind of stuff because I have something to say…I write it because something which must be said has me to write it. Sorry for the rant…but I get so ill in my gut when people say, “there, there…the world is a beautiful place. Just try harder to be happy.” It is obscene and delusional. And it hurts.