Like most people, I am caught in the web of learning to navigate the constantly changing twists and turns of today’s fluctuating societal ups and downs. It seems every day someone achieves their dreams while another is blown to bits by a terrorist’s bomb. I celebrate a birthday with friends at the same time a mother buries her child. This insidious balance of good and evil renders me near catatonic with a mixture of soaring joy and abysmal despair. It just doesn’t make sense, and I am completely lost in a world I no longer understand.
The shooting at Sandy Hook and the resulting flood of grief as Death descended on this sleepy community left me in tears and shaking with sorrow. No sooner had the bodies of these innocent children been pulled from their classrooms then I found myself out shopping for Christmas gifts in anticipation of a joyful family reunion. I watched the mix of loved ones waiting at the finish of the Boston Marathon, full of love and pride as their champions crossed the finish line, suddenly blended with the explosions of hate that laid low the lives of three people, one, a child who now joins the bitter fruit withering on the vine of life, not yet fully blossomed. I have found that I am incapable of processing this confusing blend of despair and bliss. My psyche is not wired to route the neurons of my emotions bouncing back and forth within my soul so randomly, and my mental landscape is muddled beyond words.
I am left feeling that I have personally failed in my journey upon this earth, this blue-green marble that spins wildly on a shaky spindle. I don’t know how to proceed. No sooner than I fall on my knees in prayer that word comes of another senseless act of violence. Is this how God answers desperate prayers for comfort and understanding? Am I a fool to think that a simple act of Divine intervention might be suggested amongst all this violent loss of life? So I stop praying. God must be a sadistic voyeur for the silence of His absence in all of this is deafening.
My life does not slow down, however, to properly mourn, for no sooner than my heart is laid low by the killing of a dozen Syrian children, then the phone rings and I’m invited to a party celebrating the engagement of my best friend. What cruel and atrocious mocking of life this all turns out to be. Where do I find understanding amidst the laughter and the tears? How do I proceed with any semblance of balance? I retreat into the only sanctuary where I find an ounce of control: my writing. But as the words pour out upon the page, my sadness and confusion only becomes more evident. I start to write of hope and love, and in moments my words become dark and sullen. I am the world I live in. And like that world, I am confounded in both mind and body. My pen stops and weeps uncontrollably. My writing is exhausted and no longer makes sense.
I am caught in a bubble devoid of clarity, floating mindlessly through each demanding day. I cry out, “Please, someone, pop the bubble!”; explain this senseless woven tapestry of life so that I can chart my course, so that I can find meaning in this tower of babel. To God and His perfect plan I say “Fuck You” – this pain is no longer bearable. I cannot trust the joys I know when lurking behind the next corner is just another tragedy waiting to crush my spirit once more. I need to get off this see-saw and find shelter.
I can no longer play His celestial game of ping-pong. I will not!
6 thoughts on “Defeated”
I lost my faith after I watched Passion of Christ. I cannot equate love with the barbaric violence and cruelty. I try to live my life based on principles of love, goodness and honesty. I think I would go mad if I tried to make sense of religion. Hugs!!
To live is to understand defeat…to embrace the utter hopelessness of it…to be so broken by it that it becomes the foundation in which beauty is born. Or something like that…Sometimes I believe it as turth…other times consumed by its meaninglessness
EXACTLY how I feel. We are kindred spirits!
I want to write with you soon.
As you can see from my past few posts, I’m getting a bit into the oral tradition of poetry…telling stories I remember when I used to do Oral History work at the university in the Appalachian mountains. I’m already getting bored with it because it’s not DARK enough to sate my inner demons. But they are good. Just had two accepted for publication in the Nashville Review.
Yes they are very very good, everything you write is. I hope to be published in something someday 🙂 Ok… well I feel up for dark so whenever you are done being bored.